Cynical Horoscope Blog

Virgo

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 14:47:56 +0000

Options, options galore are bouncing around all over the place this week Virgo. You’re feeling pretty good. On top of the world . And you’re rich. Cash is dripping from your very garments, the pores of your skin, that’s how rich you are. And you are even giving money away. We feel quite faint. A Virgo? Giving money away? Well, no of course not. Not giving it away for no reason. .There’s always a little condition to things you Virgos‘give’ away. Like, you may be driven to giving cash to the poor people out in the streets because it makes you feel good. Or you might be giving it away as a tax break. Or you might be giving it away to show off to others just what a good guy you are. Or you might be giving it away because it is too hot to handle. Or you might be giving it away because you already have a long term plan to call that favour in one day when the time is right. Finding a Virgo philanthropist is a little like looking for a needle in a haystack. If you did find the needle, chances are it would find you first by running through your foot or finger. Things do not happen randomly with you Virgos. There is always some kind of comeback. The upside of this pretend unprecedented generosity is that no matter what conniving skulduggery you might be up to, the fact that you are playing rich benefactor makes you feel plain good. Enjoy.

Taurus

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 13:42:48 +0000

This is one of those weeks where you are ready willing and able and all you have to do is to find what you’re ready willing and able for.. This benign state of affairs isn’t going to just drop into your lap with a little placard making an announcement; “here I am, do what you will with me”. No. There is a small kerfuffle about mid week and though you have to fight your corner,and you do come out of it a little tattered and torn, a little brush down is all it takes to get you to the state of readiness that you must then find a purpose for. So there you are, the magnificent bull pawing the ground waiting for, waiting for … you have no idea what, do you Taurus? Shall we give you some clues? Find one of those anti machinery farmers who is doing everything organically, naturally and in the old fashioned way. Horses to plough the fields, milking the cows by hand, collecting cow pats for fertiiiser, making scarecrows to keep the birds off crops. Aah, it’s a wonderful oldy worldy scenario and right up your alley. Or, if this isn’t you and talking of alleys, what about setting up a bowling alley? It’s old fashioned,enough for you and slow enough too, but best of all, old fashioned becomes hot fashion sooner or later and think of the money you stand to make when you sell up. So now we know what you are ready for . Making money, money, money.

Scorpio

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 13:19:04 +0000

It’s all about crashing and burning and crashing and burning at the outset of the week Scorpio. No mercy no way out. So what’s there to do? You’re a Scorpio. No such thing as losing. You could be homeless without a penny and the clothes you stand in, but like the phoenix rising out the flames, you rise and you rise and you keep right on rising. No keeping a good Scorpio down, right Mr and Ms Scorpio? You might have to beg, steal, borrow, shout, threaten and get violent to do it, but this is the way of the Scorpio world. There is no way in the Kingdom that you are going to spend one night sleeping rough on the streets, with no money let alone no food. And by the way, we’re not talking about eating at Burger King, we’re talking the likes of Cipriano’s in London’s Mayfair. So the house has burned down and all your this year’s fashion high end clothes, DVD collection, Italian shoes, the reams of lyrics you’d written are a loss and the tracks you’ve laid down and the expensive perfumes – all have gone, but that was probably meant to be because you know you can do better anyway. Fresh start. The Universe or the all powerful Source has plans for you. Bigger better plans. And you’ve still got your mobile phone and the numbers. And wow! People give money to those who lose everything in a fire. Excellent, fantastic, you’ll definitely end up way better off than before.

Sagittarius

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 12:45:12 +0000

Break out the champagne Saggies. It’s time to celebrate. Not because anything particularly awesome is happening but simply because you have finally heaved yourself off that boggy track you have been dragging yourself through for the last few years and realised that straight, shiny, smoothly paved super highways of the new world get you there faster after all It’s a true light bulb moment and you can count yourself lucky on this Sag. Many people never see the light bulb ever, even when it is dangling right in from of their noses.. And talking of noses and light bulbs, make no mistake that you were one of those. One of those who put up every argument in the Guiness Book of Records as to why this couldn’t be done that way and why something else had to be done another way. And why you couldn’t accept help from this person because it would take too much time to explain things and yadda yadda yadda. You’re no way out of the bog completely either. Contrary half man half horse creature that you are, anything could make you leap sideways into a ditch, into the mud, into quicksand, into a Trojan clearing terrain for a military operation. Just so you don’t get tempted to head back in that direction Saggie, the biggest, brightest distraction we can think right now, is to start sorting your money into jars. One jar for every aspect of your life. It’s a proven system. Working that out alone will keep you out of the bog.

Pisces

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 12:12:33 +0000

Whoa there! Hold your horses little fishes. Tearing along at breakneck speed doesn’t become you. Nor can you handle it. Runaway horses are dangerous you know. Just watch any old western movie. Big macho heavy action is for the likes of Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger not for sensitive sweeties like you even if you believe you can pull it off and prove to the masses watching you out there that you can. Let’s look at the week ahead and let’s pretend you throw yourself into this very hectic situation with you at the helm. You could let it go and give someone else the chance and the honour. But let’s pretend you don’t and you find yourself driving that team of super charged beauties to victory. To applause, kudos, acclaim, an elevated position and more money. Let’s pretend you are in a bigger better office and people beat a path to your door asking for advice and how you did it. And let’s pretend you realise that this has nothing to do with why you did it. You put your neck on the line for you. To prove you could do this. That’s all. And now everyone is saying the wrong things and asking the wrong questions. You’ve crashed an invisible barrier which you didn’t expect and now you’re miserable because the rewards are meaningless. Let’s pretend you decide not to take the challenge. You’d regret it the rest of your days. What does the Cosmos say? No assist there. Heads or tails, you lose Pisces.

Libra

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 11:42:48 +0000

You are still looking for adventure this week. As if last week wasn’t enough. But then most of you are still standing there rooted to the spot trying to make a decision about what to do. Too late. Wakey wakey Libra. It’s now next week and everything has moved on. New week, new energy, new planetary configuration. Start moving before the earth opens up and swallows you whole. It can do that you know. Just because the tectonic plates are moving dangerously in other parts of the world doesn’t mean that you are absolutely safe from all harm where you are standing now. So get moving and at least get something done before you get swallowed and realise as you are going down and as your life flashes before your eyes, that the only thing flashing before your eyes, tragically, is you standing in various spots mostly in whatever abode you were living in at the time, trying to make up your mind about something. So it dawns on you, too damn late, that you spent 99.99 percent of your life making your mind up about something and very little of it actually doing anything. Least of all doing anything of import. So can you make up for a little of that lost time this week? Nah! Not likely. A love interest enters your life. You’re excited but yawn, all the doubts and why you shouldn’t kick in. And while you’re in stasis yet again, the love interest runs off. You flail about but lost cause. Sorry.

Leo

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 11:15:42 +0000

Whether you took planetary advice and became the do-gooder save the world person that deep down you always knew you were, or not, the planets are indeed smiling benignly upon you this week Leo. This is an impeccable week for you. Not the kind where you can run out and throw yourself from a cliff and not be harmed, or where you can gamble wads of cash and never lose, but the kind where you are bestowing goodwill on all because you are in the wondrous position of being able to do so. How so? Imagine waking up one morning to find your whole bedroom transformed into something almost celestial, magical. High starlit ceiling, hundreds of metres of billowing muslin and silk hangings on your four poster bed and,your clothes, they are celestial too. The whole house has been transformed into a palace of peace and beauty, full of gentle twittering birds and butterflies fluttering about. Flowers fill the rooms. People are quietly talking to each other as you enter the main room. They too are wearing celestial garments. They stand as you enter, make slight bowing movements, take you by the arm and gently leadi you outside into the sunshine where more people are obviously waiting for something. You realise they are waiting for you. One by one they start asking you questions about Life. You reply. Words of knowledge and wisdom. You feel wonderfully peaceful, loved and loving, completely at one. So are you are ready for this Leo? It is written. Don’t blow it.

Gemini

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 10:43:28 +0000

The busking must have gone well last week because you blast into the new week on the crest of a wave Gemini. Pity then that the glorious wave chooses to dump you on the beach with some severity. That’s the thing about waves. You don’t always know what they’re going to do. So your concentration isn’t as it should be, why not and what’s up ? The answer to that is, could be anything since there is nothing you indefatigable twins are not capable of doing and yaay! Good thing? Bad thing? Depends whose looking. You hastily pull yourself together, brush yourself down and keep going.. What happens happens and good times are always around the corner. None of this dumpster wave stuff is ever going to stop you from doing what you always do - chattering, charming, performing, winning, annoying people, driving people to distraction, stepping on other people’s toes – it’s part of the Geminian magic. Win some lose some, swings and roundabouts,’ that’s the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it uh huh, uh huh’, except that this week your cavalier attitude might earn you more than one dumping. It’s such a good thing you Geminis breeze through life lightly and that nothing really ever gets you down because the end of this week is going to see you embroiled in something that looks horribly like a shattered love affair. But you’re not bothered are you? Life goes on, what happens happens, win some lose some, that’s the way you like it. uh huh.

Capricorn

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 10:11:17 +0000

Even you tough old boots Capricorns do not escape the long long tentacles of the Heartache and Broken Hearts Monster. But, unlike your soft centred opposite sign, Cancer who wear their hearts on their sleeves for the whole world to see, in your case no one would ever guess. Not in a zillion years. You remain the nasty cold implacable boss in the workplace, in the home, in the streets, in social situations. (No such thing as partying in your world). Terrifying. But at home at nights alone, you spend hours sobbing into your pillow, talking to yourself, desperate for a solution to what you see as this failing, this weakness, this illness that is assailing you. But you’ll get over it. You grit your teeth and you tell yourself you will get over it. That your superior beingness and your supra superior intellectualness will remedy this ailment by tomorrow. Certainly within a couple of days. Meantime head up, chin up, straight back … how dare he/she do this to me! He/she has no idea what they have lost. I will become so successful and so desirable that he/she will regret to the end of their days that they ever walked out on me. Not sure about anyone envying your success and wishing they hadn’t left you Cap, but successful you’ll surely be. This is your mission in life. Success, power. A word in your ear though. You could have regained that lost love by thawing, bending, flexing, stretching, yielding. Anything but that eternal infernal rigidity.

Cancer

smithy15 — Thu, 06 May 2010 09:42:31 +0000

With you we keep coming back to emotions. Maybe you should start a new fad. No. Not the latest weight loss diet but something a little more exotic and exciting. How about the newest thing to hit the global market. Something no-one, for some inexplicable reason, has remotely dreamed of before. And that is, a tried tested and proven method of controling those wild, wayward and often dangerous emotions from which every human beastie on Planet Earth suffers. Yes everyone suffersn – not just you Cancer. We know that it may seem surprising to you, the fact that you certainly do not have a monopoly on the emotional overkill stakes. You just have the hardest time hiding it that’s all. You guys are riddled and raddled with jealousy, possessiveness, sorrow, heartbreak, all the hideous emotions that hit you where it hurts most. So spending the rest of your life working on a cure all is not such a bad idea is it? And the sooner you get onto it the better because you also stand to make humungous fortunes from it. But you need a starting point? You’re not going to chloroform frogs and pull their brains or hearts apart expecting to find some magical answer there like some scientists still do, are you? Too sensitive and probably too sensible too, for that. How about organising emotional sit ins. For weeks on end. Where the world’s emotional desperates can gather to share their misery. A few weeks of this and guaranteed you’ll be completely over it.